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Overcoming Shame: How Life Coaching Can Help

28 January 2023
A man is sitting on a wooden floor, with his arms raised in the air. He has a bright smile on his face, and his posture is relaxed and calm. To his left, a light is shining on the floor, illuminating the dark wooden planks. To the right of him is a black spoon placed on a white surface. In the background, a woman is standing in front of a black background. There are four white letters - an 'O', two 'E's and an 'I' - on the black background. The man's expression is relaxed and happy, and his arms are held up in an open and inviting manner. The lighting of the scene is warm and inviting, and the background is dark and mysterious. This image captures a moment of joy and peace, with the man in the center of it all.

Shame is a complicated emotion, isn't it? I remember once when I was a teenager, I tripped and fell in front of the entire school during an assembly. At that moment, the world seemed to stop, and all eyes were on me. My cheeks burned, and all I wanted was to disappear. That feeling of being judged, of embarrassment, that's what we often refer to as shame. But there's more to it than just those awkward moments. Let's delve deeper into understanding the different types of shame and explore how life coaching can be a beacon of hope in overcoming it.

Types of ShameDescriptionHow Life Coaching Helps
External ShameOccurs when one feels judged or criticized by others leading to feelings of embarrassment or inadequacy.Life coaches help individuals navigate through these feelings in a safe environment and work towards overcoming them.
Internal ShameThis type of shame comes from not meeting one's own standards or expectations and can lead to disappointment and isolation.Life coaches can help individuals identify the root causes of their guilt and develop strategies to manage them.
Shame from MistakesThis comes from guilt over one's mistakes, it brings about worry of how it will affect others even when they are not directly involved.Life coaches help individuals understand their mistakes as learning grounds and not something to feel intense guilt over.
Shame from Social SituationsThis type of shame is experienced when people feel embarrassed in a social situation.Through life coaching, individuals can learn to accept themselves and handle social situations better.
Shame from FailureThis type of shame comes from failing in achieving a goal or task.Life coaches can help individuals redefine what success is and develop healthier ways of handling failure.
Shame from HumiliationOne feels bitterly let down or disrespected. Often accompanied by feelings of anger.Life coaches help in fostering a loving and respectful relationship with the self, thereby reducing feelings of humiliation.
Guilt-based ShameThis type of shame arises when an individual feels deep guilt over something done or not done. It often leads to loneliness and isolation.Life coaching helps in understanding that guilt is an emotion that can be managed and not a stigma.
Shame from InadequacyThis type of shame occurs when an individual feels less than or not good enough.Life Coaches help individuals to reframe their thoughts, focus on their strengths and build a positive self-image.
Shame related to Self-Trust IssuesArises when individuals doubt their own decisions or abilities.Life coaches can help individuals learn to trust themselves and their decisions.
Shame from RelationshipsThis shame is derived from hurtful or harmful relationships.Life coaching guides individuals in creating healthier relationships with themselves and others.
  • Introduction

  • External Shame

  • Internal Shame

  • Life Coaching and Overcoming Shame

  • Conclusion

The Many Faces of Shame

External Shame

External shame is something most of us have felt at one point or another. It's that sensation when we believe others are viewing us negatively. Think about the times when:

You gave a presentation, and someone pointed out a mistake.

You wore an outfit, and a friend made a teasing comment.

You tried a new hobby, and others laughed at your attempts.

These instances can sting, causing us to retreat or become defensive. External shame is rooted in our perception of how others see us. We might feel:



1- Embarrassed about our actions or appearance.

2- Inadequate compared to others.

3- Fearful of judgment or criticism.

I recall a dear friend, Anna, who hesitated to pursue her passion for singing because of a single negative remark during her childhood. That comment etched a deep sense of external shame, holding her back for years.



Internal Shame

On the flip side, internal shame doesn't necessarily stem from others' opinions but from within ourselves. It's falling short of our own standards or expectations. Have you ever set a goal and felt utterly disappointed when you didn't achieve it? That's internal shame whispering in your ear.

Some signs of internal shame include:

Harsh self-criticism even when no one else is judging you.

Feelings of unworthiness or not being "good enough".

An overwhelming sense of guilt for perceived failures.

For instance, imagine John, who set out to start his own business. Despite his efforts, the venture didn't take off. Even though his family and friends were supportive, John couldn't shake off the feeling that he had let himself down. This internal turmoil can be isolating, leading to withdrawal and self-doubt.

The Healing Journey with Life Coaching

So, how do we navigate these heavy feelings of shame? This is where life coaching comes into play. Life coaching isn't just about setting goals or improving productivity; it's about understanding oneself and fostering personal growth.

Coaching Defined

At its core, life coaching is a collaborative process where a coach in life partners with individuals to help them unlock their potential. It's about:

Identifying limiting beliefs that hold you back.

Shame is an emotion that can be conquered with the proper guidance and support.

IIENSTITU
External Shame, Occurs when one feels judged or criticized by others leading to feelings of embarrassment or inadequacy, Life coaches help individuals navigate through these feelings in a safe environment and work towards overcoming them, Internal Shame, This type of shame comes from not meeting one's own standards or expectations and can lead to disappointment and isolation, Life coaches can help individuals identify the root causes of their guilt and develop strategies to manage them, Shame from Mistakes, This comes from guilt over one's mistakes, it brings about worry of how it will affect others even when they are not directly involved, Life coaches help individuals understand their mistakes as learning grounds and not something to feel intense guilt over, Shame from Social Situations, This type of shame is experienced when people feel embarrassed in a social situation, Through life coaching, individuals can learn to accept themselves and handle social situations better, Shame from Failure, This type of shame comes from failing in achieving a goal or task, Life coaches can help individuals redefine what success is and develop healthier ways of handling failure, Shame from Humiliation, One feels bitterly let down or disrespected Often accompanied by feelings of anger, Life coaches help in fostering a loving and respectful relationship with the self, thereby reducing feelings of humiliation, Guilt-based Shame, This type of shame arises when an individual feels deep guilt over something done or not done It often leads to loneliness and isolation, Life coaching helps in understanding that guilt is an emotion that can be managed and not a stigma, Shame from Inadequacy, This type of shame occurs when an individual feels less than or not good enough, Life Coaches help individuals to reframe their thoughts, focus on their strengths and build a positive self-image, Shame related to Self-Trust Issues, Arises when individuals doubt their own decisions or abilities, Life coaches can help individuals learn to trust themselves and their decisions, Shame from Relationships, This shame is derived from hurtful or harmful relationships, Life coaching guides individuals in creating healthier relationships with themselves and others

Creating actionable plans to overcome obstacles.

Building resilience and fostering self-compassion.

According to The Coaching Habit by Michael Bungay Stanier, coaching is less about giving advice and more about asking the right questions to empower clients (Stanier, 2016).

Techniques to Overcome Shame

Life coaches employ various techniques to help individuals tackle shame:

1- Cognitive Restructuring: Challenging and changing unhelpful thoughts.

2- Mindfulness Practices: Staying present and acknowledging feelings without judgment.

3- Strengths Identification: Focusing on personal strengths to build confidence.

4- Goal Setting: Establishing realistic and attainable objectives.

A relationship coach, for example, might help someone navigate the shame associated with past relationships, enabling them to form healthier connections in the future.

Personal Transformation Stories

Let me share Sarah's journey. Sarah always felt she wasn't smart enough because she didn't attend college. This internal shame affected her career and relationships. Through coaching, she began to recognize her skills and redefine her self-worth. She learned that her value wasn't tied to a degree but to her unique experiences and talents.

By embracing the coaching definition, Sarah transformed her perspective. She started her own artisan business, which not only thrived but also became a platform for her to mentor others.

Embracing Self-Trust and Building Connections

One of the pivotal aspects of overcoming shame is learning to trust oneself. Life coaching encourages individuals to:

Acknowledge their feelings without being overwhelmed.

Develop self-compassion, treating themselves with kindness.

Cultivate a growth mindset, viewing challenges as opportunities.

When we optimize supply chain management process tips, we look for efficiencies and improvements. Similarly, in life coaching, we seek ways to streamline our thoughts and behaviors for better outcomes.

The Ripple Effect on Relationships

Overcoming shame doesn't just benefit the individual; it enhances relationships with others. By shedding the weight of shame, people can:

Communicate more openly and honestly.

Set healthy boundaries in personal and professional relationships.

Engage more fully in social activities without fear of judgment.

For those interested in becoming a life coach, these transformations highlight the profound impact this career can have. There are numerous life coach opportunities for those passionate about guiding others through their journeys.

Conclusion: Stepping into a Shame-Free Life

Shame may be a complex emotion, but it's not insurmountable. With the right support and tools, we can confront and overcome the feelings that hold us back. Life coaching, in its many forms, offers a pathway to:

Understand and heal from the past.

Build confidence and self-worth.

Forge stronger connections with others.

By embracing the meaning of coaching, we open doors to personal growth and fulfillment. Whether you're seeking a coach in life or considering the life coach career opportunities available, remember that every step taken is a move towards a more empowered and authentic self.

Shame doesn't have to define our stories. With courage and support, we can write new chapters filled with hope, self-love, and possibility.


References

Stanier, M. B. (2016). The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever. Box of Crayons Press.

Brown, B. (2006). Shame Resilience Theory: A Grounded Theory Study on Women and Shame. Families in Society: The Journal of Contemporary Social Services.

Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow.

Tolle, E. (1997). The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment. New World Library.

Rogers, C. R. (1961). On Becoming a Person: A Therapist's View of Psychotherapy. Houghton Mifflin.

Shame complex emotion guilt disapproval inadequacy embarrassed social situation deep sense of guilt mistake wrongdoing external shame judged criticized embarrassed inadequate anger fear humiliation withdraw avoid eye contact hide feelings protect further criticism internal shame falling short standards expectations disappointment loneliness isolation guilt mistakes failures life coaching root causes safe supportive environment insight feelings behaviors strategies manage trust decisions healthier relationships guilt inadequacy loneliness insight feelings behaviors trust decisions fulfilling life
The woman has a bright and cheerful smile on her face. She has shoulder length, dark brown hair and her lips are slightly parted. Her eyes are closed, emphasizing the size and shape of her smile. Her complexion is fair, and her cheeks are slightly rosy. She is wearing a white t-shirt with a loose fit, and her arms are relaxed at her sides. She looks content and relaxed, as if she is enjoying the moment. She appears to be in a natural and comfortable environment, and her body language conveys a sense of warmth and joy.
Amara Weiss
Institute Secretary, Author

I am Amara Weiss and for many years I have worked in the field of education, specifically in the area of technology. I firmly believe that technology is a powerful tool that can help educators achieve their goals and improve student outcomes. That is why I currently work with IIENSTITU, an organization that supports more than 2 million students worldwide. In my role, I strive to contribute to its global growth and help educators make the most of available technologies.

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